It's a tad bit ironic, really. The people who I want to impress the most, or care the most about how they think of me are the same ones I tend to be the most awkward around. Maybe it's because I'm over-thinking each thought, and in some cases, even each heart-beat.
It's the moments when I'm the most self-aware that I'm the least like myself.
There's a history of this in my life, especially when it comes to boys. When you're in high school it always seems as though it's the random kid who you just happened to smile and say "good job" to after an exceptional physics grade that asks you out...while it's the tall, dreamy ones who leave you completely tongue-tied that one moment where they seem to notice you.
Now, not just boys, but graduate school interviews, potential coaches, bosses...those people in life who I really want to seem spectacular around are the ones with whom I'm so uncomfortable.
It just happens to be a little worse with boys.
I thought we'd grow out of this by now, like pimples before the school dance. But, alas, I for one seem to still be trapped in this phase from time to time. The more attractive the guy, the more likely I am to invert some word or miss my cue for a great witty comment, despite the fabulous shade of lip gloss I'm wearing.
I was pretty sure that those moments would completely fade when I started carrying business cards and paying my own rent.
It's those moments when I care the most, when I'm the most worried about being vulnerable, that I'm suddenly no longer comfortable in my own skin. As though I've been thrown back to the 6th grade and I'm all elbow and knees. But I knoooooow (sometime on the drive home) that if I could have just been myself, it would have been easy breezy!
But, there's not much to do except get a good laugh about it and keep practicing talking to the boys - - praying that maybe one day, a good one will find the fact that you just invented a new word(s) out of nervousness...adorable.
Song of the Day: Someone Somewhere by Jason Reeves
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